“Studies have shown that people who have good self-compassion are a lot more relaxed and show less anxiety and tendency for depression is markedly decreased.”  – Larry Law (The Self-Compassion Guide)

Take the Quiz

Give yourself 1 point for each statement you answer “yes” to:

1. You have a tendency to scold yourself when you make a mistake.
2. You have trouble getting over something that you did wrong or something that you may think you did wrong.
3. You find it difficult to forgive yourself for mistakes you have made.
4. You get irritated when things don’t go according to your plan.
5. You are really upset or frustrated when you have to ask for help from others.
6. You have difficulty accepting compliments from others.

Now tally up your points. How did you do? If you scored 4 – 5 then this article is especially for you!

If you scored 2 – 3, please still read on because you could do with some self-compassion.

If you scored 1, good for you!

Let’s Talk about Self-Compassion

Some people mistake self-esteem for self-compassion, they are not the same thing. Because I write a blog about self-love, it is important for me to be sure you know the difference. Self-esteem pertains to how much a person likes his or herself, but self-compassion is the act of treating yourself kindly or showing through your actions, the love you have for yourself. They are highly correlated but not dependent, meaning that if you have high self-compassion it will lead to self-esteem, but if you have high self-esteem it may not always lead to self-compassion. If you have self-compassion for yourself, it will show in your life (how you treat yourself and others). Put simply, self-compassion can help you to “not sweat the small stuff” so you can enjoy your life more.

I realized I suffered with self-compassion when I started gaining weight. It really threw me for a loop because I had been so thin growing up. I had a hard time accepting my new body, I sometimes still do, and I was hyper critical of myself. I tried many extreme diets and I hid my troubled spots a lot, my arms. I didn’t want to go places so that people who knew me as a thinner Franka, would see my new body, especially those that I knew didn’t like me or were happy to dance on my sadness. I was miserable enough, who needs more sadness?! The negative self-talk was all I could hear, it drowned out everything else. It was truly ridiculous and it made me unhappy. The difference with today is that I am learning that I am in a different season in my life and this is the body I have now and I have to care for it so it will carry me through to the other seasons in my life. Even though I still want to lose weight, I know that it can be done with self-care and moderation. It took me a long time to realize that I am the same lovable, fun and compassionate person. A lot wiser, but the inner spirit of who I am is the same. I care about people, love those around me, fiercely loyal to my friends and would do anything for my family. I don’t hear any more negative self-talk, I have silenced those voices, when they try to compete with my encouraging and forgiving voice, I brush it away. When I dress up I can put my best face forward and my beauty on the inside, the essence of who I am, will shine through, that’s what’s truly important. 

5 Important Things to Start Doing Now!

If you scored a 2 or greater on the little quiz above here are 5 things you should do TODAY to begin practicing self-compassion:

1.  Let go of being self-critical. I think Byron Katie said it best “It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine.” I blogged about how debilitating being a perfectionist can be. While there is nothing wrong with striving to be our best selves, striving to be perfect can sometimes lead us to blame or criticize ourselves. This is what you have to be cautious about. Catch yourself if you find yourself nit picking at yourself or others. The very nature of this is that which you feel and do to yourself, you will also do to others. No one is perfect and stop trying to be and don’t expect others too either. Learn to appreciate and accept people as they are and focus on their gifts and your own. Self-compassion will emerge if you are willing to let go of your own inhibitions, arrogance and self-pity.

2.  Stop dwelling on the past. Be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes. Rather than beat yourself up, look at your past as growth opportunities. This means being patient with yourself to manage your frustration and anger and also being mindful of what you say and do as it relates to your past mistakes. It is important to remember that what you say has power over your emotions. Don’t ever use harsh or degrading words when referring to yourself. Like I said before, we all make mistakes. Instead of focusing on the mistake, speak words of encouragement over your life and go forward with a renewed sense of wisdom and growth. As I like to say, lesson learned. [Download your free gift now: Copy of the serenity prayer that you can say daily as a reminder of this concept.]

3.  Have a positive mindset. If you go into any activity knowing that you will be successful, you will. Even if you fall short of your ultimate goal, you will still feel like a winner. Believe in yourself and let your words and actions support this belief. The mind is so powerful. What we think of, we have the power to manifest in our lives. So, think positive!

4.  Moderation in all things. My mother used to always tell me “in all things moderation”. I understand that statement so much better now. She was never extreme about anything. She worked hard but knew when to stop and rest and allow her body and mind to rejuvenate. This really has helped me in my approach to eating and health. No matter how I eat, it is important to strive for balance. Deprivation or being fanatical about healthy eating is no healthier than over consuming unhealthy foods.  The key is to be mindful about what I put into my body and how I care for it. Practice moderation and you will see your ability to be self-compassionate shift.

5.  Stop caring what others think of you but be honest with yourself. I admire people who don’t give a flying fig about what anyone thinks of them. I was never like that. I always cared too much about what others thought of me. I am learning to only share with those I truly trust. As Dr. Brene Brown says, “people have to earn the right to hear your story”.  You can’t live your life to please others. I live to please God, if He is pleased with me I am good. But with that said don’t be dishonest with yourself. Accept the truth, flaws and all but also see your assets and gifts. Express your individuality and allow yourself to shine. Its not to late to march to your own rhythm. And in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “If a man does not keep pace with his companion perhaps he hears a different drummer. Let him keep step to the music which he hears, however measured or however far away”.

Bonus: Don’t worry, be happy  I absolutely loved this song when Bobby McFerrin came out with it in 1988. It is basically telling us to just relax already and be happy! Instead of worrying or stressing out about every little thing, be happy! Live in a state of gratitude so you can enjoy everything around you. Life is too short to stress yourself out. Ask yourself, will this matter if I die tomorrow. That has a way of getting you to focus on what’s truly important.

So I hope this blog got you thinking about self-compassion and how to practice more of it in your life. If you are already doing some of these things I mentioned today, please continue. If you aren’t, start today, it’s not too late.

As always growth happens when we share. Post a comment below.