Say Goodbye to Being a Mean Girl

Why are we as women so mean to each other? I was watching a Lifeclass on OWN about the Terrible Things Women Do to Each Other and I was literally weeping for one of the women in the audience who was minimized by her so-called “friends”. Like former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, I thought “There is a very special place in hell for women who do not help other women.”

Let’s examine the concept of mean girls and how destructive it can be.  Dr. Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly”, one of my favorite reads, says this on the issue of shame that is so applicable. In her research she has found that “Shame is being afraid, showing fear, or being vulnerable.” As a result of this we tend to be hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves. If we can find someone else to put down, judge, or criticize it calls attention away from us. If you are doing worse than me, then I think I can survive this. This is also how bullying works and it is also how women operate when they are mean to other women.

So let me provide an example to illustrate…

You have several women friends at church and you are all really close at first, you talk to each other and even sit together. Then one day everyone stops talking to you and acts downright cold and mean towards you. You see them looking at you from the corner of their eyes  and whispering but no one says anything to you. You don’t know why and try to figure it out but it causes you so much pain. You want to approach them and ask why, but they form a united front that appears impenetrable. They ostracize you, say mean things about you that you know are not true, and essentially freeze you out but you don’t know why. No explanation is given. You think to yourself, these women are at church acting this way??

Whether at school, church, or at work, women make other women the object of their vicious attacks not realizing that it says a lot about what is going on within themselves. If you are an adult, after a while you stop caring and go about your business, but you do your best to avoid those women. If you are an adolescent in middle or high school, this can be torture.  The above scenario happened to me in middle school and again when I was an adult.  I can say to you that I was crushed when it happened to me in middle school. I sat at my desk right in the middle of class and cried big tears all over my science books. I didn’t have the strength I have today. I lost my entire group of friends in one day. It was my Dad who gave me the strength to return to school the next day with my head held high.  I’ll never forget what he told me. “Those girls will come to you on their own and apologize for how they treated you. They are not strong enough to admit they are wrong right now. Go to school with you head held high and do not diminish who you are so they can feel better about themselves.  You are a Nicholas.”

My insightful, smart, and proud Dad was right because each and every one of those girls, now women, have apologized (in their own time). Some a few months after the incident one-on-one, and other many years later via Facebook.  None of what happened was ever about me. Here’s the clincher, in both cases it stemmed from how they were feeling about themselves, connected to their own shame and feelings of rejection. Whoa!! Deep huh??? 

In middle school it was because my “best friend” felt rejected by a boy she liked who also happened to be good friends with me, who didn’t like her back. I was unaware of her feeling rejected but instead of her being able to identify her feelings, she projected her anger directly at me. I became the target for what she was feeling. I now realize she may not have even been aware of or equipped to know what she was doing.

In the case that happened when I was an adult, the women at church just banded together because one of the women’s husbands kept hurting her by saying constantly “why couldn’t she be more like Franka”.  After a while, it wore on her and she directed her anger and frustration at me. She told everyone who would listen that I was to blame for all of her problems. I learned the full story because after she and her husband separated she later came to me and apologized for her treatment of me.  She said that it was never about me but she was made to feel less than and that I was being used as the example of what was wrong with her. She said she finally told him one day, “I reject you telling me that something is wrong with me”.  She said that she realized that her being angry with me was allowing him to drive a wedge between someone who had been nothing but kind to her and for that she was sorry.  We never had the same type of friendship, but I appreciated her being honest with me.

Doesn’t this play out in middle and high schools all the time? Anyone see the movie Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan? It was the same scenario. As women and parents, we have to intervene and help our girls (and boys) identify when they are doing this to another soul because if you don’t stop it, they grow to be mean people!

Words of Wisdom

I was thinking about this blog as I read several of the wonderful commencement speeches online this weekend. Here is some advice from a few of them that speaks to the heart of why we as women need to support and stick together instead of hurting each other.

1. “Competing on an even playing field requires you to create your own field with teammates that respect and support, but it takes for you to be healthy and whole.  – Valerie Jarrett, senior White House adviser

2.  “Find your place to stand – our place of wisdom and peace and strength. And from that place, lead the third women’s revolution and remake the world in your own image, according to your own definition of success, so that all of us – women and men – can live our lives with more grace, more joy, more empathy, more gratitude, and yes, more love.” –  Arianna Huffington

3.  “We need women who are so strong they can be gentle, so educated they can be humble, so fierce they can be compassionate, so passionate they can be rational, and so disciplined they can be free” — Kavita Ramdas, social justice advocate

So next time someone, especially another woman, is mean to you and you have done nothing to warrant this treatment, remember that people are dealing with so much of their own stuff and it may manifest in the world in mean and destructive ways. Make the decision that you are not going to engage in the negative behaviors and be an example of grace, class, love, and compassion. Teach them how to treat you, and how they should be treating others by not reflecting back any negative and hurtful behaviors.  Imagine if when she looks at you she instead sees compassion and love? This is how Dr. Martin Luther King transformed the hatred of his enemies, and an entire nation during the Civil Rights Movement. Imagine what we can all do if we all follow his wonderful example!!

Lifeclass on OWN that I encourage you to do if you are struggling, or have ever struggled with this issue in your life. Be sure to watch the powerful videos on the page!

As always the healing begins as soon as you post a response and acknowledge your truth in the comments below.

Much love,

Franka