Have you heard the statement, “you teach people how to treat you“? It’s something that is commonly discussed when we talk about empowering women and having more fulfilling relationships. I goggled it on the Internet and I was floored by how many times it has been written about, talked about or discussed. I thought about not writing about it again but then decided that the reason it has probably been written about so much is because we still need reminding about this concept. For me, it is one of the major lessons I have learned on this journey to loving myself. Unfortunately, I have had too many teachers to help drive the concept home.

Here are some examples that you may be able to relate to or have witnessed in others:

• You go out with a group of girlfriends and they always assume that you are going to pick up the bill because you have done it so often in the past. But your circumstances have changed and you don’t have the high powered job anymore, you now have your own small business and really would prefer that they all pay for their own meal. You are mad that this behavior continues, but you say nothing. They should be more considerate. They know your circumstances. You get mad at your friends and stop going out with them when you haven’t said anything. Who are you really mad at? Your friends or yourself?
• You and your spouse are supposed to provide equal income to cover the expenses and pay the bills each month, but he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Month after month you see that you are carrying the majority of the financial load.  You may complain but you continue taking care of everything. Your continued behavior is teaching your spouse that your words don’t mean anything. Is that the message you want to send? What does this say about him? Is this a case of someone showing you who they are and you deciding that you just don’t want to see it? What type of man doesn’t keep his word to you and allows you to shoulder the responsibility without so much as a discussion?
• You are dating a guy in another city and whenever you make plans to meet, you are the one who’s getting on a plane. You are accommodating and adjusting your life and time around what is best for him. But over time, you start to resent that he is not making more of an effort to travel to be with you. You haven’t demanded anything of him so he assumes that you are happy with your arrangement. You don’t even realize that you are telling him that you think he is more important than you. You perceive this as loving and giving, not seeing that you are not being loving to yourself. The relationship is lopsided, you compromise too much and he too little.
• At work your coworkers are always making jokes about someone’s weight.  Sometimes you laugh at their jokes too because you don’t want to seem overly sensitive even though it’s not funny. You yourself need to lose about 15-20 pounds and silently you feel that they are in some ways laughing at you too.  In fact, the jokes are cruel and you wish they would stop, but you are an active participant in the continuation of the behavior by laughing and not saying anything to them.
• A client takes up too much of your time to your detriment. They are demanding and outrageous. Because you are self-employed, you feel that you have to put up with it and are afraid to set boundaries for fear of making them upset and losing their business. In fact, if you were hourly, you would be losing money on them. Realistically speaking you should tack on some additional fees to their project for the amount of hand holding they require. You go out of your way to make them happy and still it is not enough. What are you teaching them about you? Why is this type of behavior not okay or acceptable on any level? [This one hits home to me because I struggled with this when I owned and ran my design firm.] Can any of you relate?

So as I was thinking about how I taught people how to treat me. In so many small ways I participated in validating the behavior. Sometimes I did it to keep the peace and other times, I thought that they would come to the realization that they needed to change on their own. The reality is that people rarely change behavior that is working for them. So while it is not about blaming myself or you, for how others treat us, I want you to think about how you, in so many small ways, tell them it is okay for them to continue their behavior.

I feel great about myself!

I realize that when I feel love for myself, I am able to set better boundaries for others. So much is born out of how we feel about ourselves. It is important for us to get an understanding that people learned from you how you want to be treated. When I have a sense of self-respect, my own worthiness, and my own sense of goodness and honor, the relationships I engage in honor how I feel about myself.

So let’s do some examination today. Look at the landscape of the relationships in your life. What are you teaching the people in your life about what you think about you? You do this by what you accept, by what you didn’t accept, what you laughed at, what you are silent about, what you acted on, etc.?

I know some of this is hard to hear but as Iyanla always says, we have to do the work. I am always doing my work. Here are a few things to I have learned that are important as you change the message you are sending to others about how they should treat you:

1. Examine the people who are a part of your sacred space. Those closest to you. Are they negative people? You attract that which you are. Why are negative people being attracted to you? Be conscious of your energy and what you are sending out into the universe. Do you ever notice that the people that are always telling you that they don’t like drama are the same ones that are always bringing it?
2. Know what you value and what is most important to you.  Know thy self! If you value certain ideals, don’t compromise. If you say that they are important to you but allow someone to slowly ebb away at it then how important are you really telling them that it is to you? If your faith is important to you, don’t engage in conversation or behaviors that tell others that it is not. Stand firm to your values. This goes to the first point, surround yourself with people that respect your values and don’t ask you to compromise them.
3. Be the change that you want to see.  If you want to bring about a change in your relationships then you have to model the behavior. Show others what being in relationship with you looks like. It’s like drawing a hard line in the sand and saying, don’t cross it. But be willing to discuss and be open to respond to questions as they arise. The people in your life may not understand what is happening at first, explain to them that you realized that you were not being true or loving to yourself so you realized that it was time for a change. You will be amazed at how this changes others when you decide that being more loving towards you, is what’s best for the relationships in your life.
4. Being able to communicate and resolve conflicts are critical.  If you are unwilling or unable to discuss what is important to you in a clear and mature fashion then you may need to step back and think about it more. As I said before, you must know thy self. Don’t run from articulating why you require the changes you need in your life. In fact, you should become good at saying “because it is important to me and if you care about me you will respect it”. Be able to do this in all of your relationships, with friends, family, co-workers, your boss, and your significant other. Every relationship needs to get to know the new you.

You should be treated with honor and dignity. What doesn’t serve your spirit, diminishes it. I don’t know who said this quote but I love it, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy”. Don’t apologize or feel bad when you walk away, you finally spoke up for what you needed. So in conclusion, examine your circle of love and friendship, be true to your values, model the behavior you want to see in your life and communicate effectively and clearly what you need in your relationships. If you have already started on this journey to regaining the respect that you deserve, all I can say is…Bravo my sister!!!

Much love,

Franka

I would love to hear from you about your thoughts of how you have taught people to treat you in the past. Have you done something radical to affect the relationships in your life in a positive way? Share it with me in the comments below.